Coffee Snob or a B*llocks with Notions - which are you?

There was no way for Nana Thompson’s Nursing Home to realise the impact her grandson’s return from living abroad would have on the common room’s upholstery.

Each visit from Philip further depreciated Nan’s favourite armchair with her silent scratching digging a deeper hole into the armrest.

“I found that photo I was talking to you about last Saturday, Nan. The one near the top of Machu.” Philip informed his weary grandmother.

“‘I’m strictly a single origin drinker these days, Nan,’ Philip told his 85-year-old grandmother, who was beginning to realise she didn’t really care much for her eldest grandson”

He swiped carelessly through his phone’s gallery, moving in uncomfortably close to his father’s mother, so she could feign an interest. He smelt of a privileged unemployment no doubt enabled by her soft-touch daughter-in-law.

“You see the coffee plantation behind me in the photo there, yeah? The. Best. Coffee…. Never had anything like it. I’m strictly a single origin drinker these days, Nan,” Philip told his 85-year-old grandmother, who was beginning to realise she didn’t really care much for her eldest grandson.

Philip is indeed a person of notions, and he’s not alone. It is estimated that 31% of young adults returning from abroad become infected with weighty thoughts and whimsical ideals detached from the reality of their formative years. In most cases strong convictions are built around tastes and understandings around coffee. So much so that it can become an identity-defining pursuit. But how can you tell if a friend has become a snob about the coffee they drink or, quite simply, fogged with passing notions? We’ve here to highlight some tell-tale signs.

“Have you tried an avocado latte yet?”

Never fully confirmed as a myth or a Silicon Valley inspired farce, photos of lattes poured into avocados exploded online over five years ago before rightly fizzling out and, like Brian McFadden’s solo career, decidedly forgotten by the masses.

If you have friends partial to these short-lived crazes whether it’s drinking out of plant pots or tasting fruit-infused coffee, thread carefully and be sure not to be seen to encourage their coffee choices. Your best bet is to wean your way out of that relationship over time and erase that person from memory, only vaguely remembering them when one of Brian McFadden’s singles accidentally stumbles onto the airwaves.

Verdict: Notions galore. Lets keep those avos on toasts for mortgage less millennials.

“I only ever drink…”

It is these kind of purist statements that landed Philip in hospital on his 3 weeks staying at the Gaeltacht. His commitment to only drinking Single-Origin Arabica from Peruvian altitude of no less than 2,300 metres left him being admitted to hospital from dehydration as his Bean-An-Ti could only offer him Barry’s Tea or Nescafe.

Coffee-lovers partial to making this assertion can find themselves labelled in either the snob or notions camp depending of the specifics and context.

If it’s a specific independent coffee brand or type of bean, you and/ or your friend are certainly of the snob variety but if you insist on drinking a coffee from a singular region, at a specific altitude, with a never-changing taste you are certainly weighed and swayed by notions.

Verdict: Both depending on the circumstances but you or your friend can hardly be considered great craic over a pint.

“No milk, no sugar. I take mine black and like to actually taste the coffee…”

This is a sentence that makes your local neighbourhood barista smile. Your barista is a filter-dedicated person, ready to discuss their favourite Chemex or AeroPress recipe offhand.

However, you’ve also just spooked him/ her because you’ve now brought it to their attention that you “know good coffee” - a phrase not to be used over a quiet pint in Mullingar or any other midland town - and they have no room for errors when making your purist small americano.

Verdict: The best kind of snob for your hipster barista

“I roast a bit myself…”

Certainly, some people have the commitment and knowledge to buy good green beans and make them into something special.

There are also those who failed Junior Cert science but feel experienced enough to install a gas-driven contraption in their attic with dreams of becoming the next bespoke roastery stocking their over roasted goods on the shelves of the local Super Valu.

Please bring this person to the attention of the local Fire Brigade.

Verdict: Notions and a health hazard.

“I got my hands on this unique small-batch coffee”

A snob with standards and a testament to your community. No doubt you are referring to Rural Vagabonds’ Traversa Triple Blend Specialty Grade coffee and have a few bags from a splurge online.

Journey your Senses

Full bodied, chocolate and caramel flavours with gentle notes of exotic fruits.

Allure your friends into informed coffee conversation about how the freshness of Papa New Guinea sourced beans marries perfectly with Brazilian and Ethiopian beans. It’s the medium roast blend your Nan would proudly drink and quell her scratching of the nursing home’s armchairs. It’ll hit higher notes than Brian McFadden’s last single at the very least.

Verdict: No notions only high standards.